Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns says that honesty is not always the best policy, especially if it doesn't provide any instrumental value. Her new book, "Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share—and What to Keep to Yourself," provides research-backed strategies to help people figure out when to share the truth or a personal opinion. Bohns shares three questions to ask oneself before sharing an opinion, including whether the information is helpful.
Bohns notes that when deciding to tell someone something, a person is sharing two things: the message itself and the fact that they are choosing to speak up. She says people often spend too much time worrying about the content of their messages, but the choice of saying something at all communicates a lot. It says, "I see you. I care about your suffering. I want to help you in some way." This can be especially relevant in situations where feedback can help someone perform better or avoid embarrassment.
Bohns advises considering whether feedback is actionable before sharing it. If the feedback is mean-spirited, unrelated to the matter at hand, or simply can't be enacted, it's probably better to hold one's tongue. For example, telling a roommate that a cake they baked tastes terrible may not be helpful, but offering feedback on a cake entered into a baking competition could be. This approach can help people avoid causing unnecessary harm or discomfort.
A 2022 survey found that people consistently underestimate others' desire for feedback. In the study, researchers had visible smudges of lipstick, chocolate, or marker on their faces and asked random people to participate in a survey. Less than 3% of participants spoke up, even though the smudges were something the researchers could have done something about and would have wanted to know. This highlights the importance of considering whether others may want or need to hear feedback.
Bohns suggests reflecting on one's motivations for staying silent. Are you being kind, or are you avoiding your own discomfort? Speaking up may help someone in a situation, such as a new coworker mispronouncing a CEO's name. By being honest and providing feedback, you can help your colleague improve and avoid future mistakes.
It's also essential to consider whether the person wants your feedback. Pre-assessing how valuable the truth is to someone else or their ability to handle it can quickly make well-meaning feedback sound patronizing. Instead, ask the person if they want the feedback you have to share and respect their decision. This approach shows that you value and respect their autonomy.
Bohns' book offers guidance on various aspects of communication, including sharing good news, saying sorry, or being vulnerable. Her work provides valuable insights into the complexities of human communication and offers practical advice for navigating everyday situations. By following her strategies, people can become more effective and empathetic communicators.
Key points
- Consider whether feedback is actionable before sharing it to avoid causing unnecessary harm or discomfort.
